A Tip About Boundaries From a Recovered People Pleaser

If you’re a people pleaser, boundaries can feel terrible.

Not necessarily because the boundary itself is wrong—but because somewhere along the way, you learned that keeping other people happy was part of your job.

So when someone is disappointed by your boundary, it can feel like evidence that you did something wrong.

As a therapist—and a recovered people pleaser—here’s one of the biggest things I’ve learned about boundaries:

Someone being unhappy with your boundary does not automatically mean your boundary was unkind, unfair, or wrong.

That sounds simple. Living it out is much harder.

The People-Pleasing Boundary Cycle

For a long time, I thought being a “good” person meant being accommodating.

Say yes when you can.

Try not to inconvenience anyone.

Keep the peace.

Be flexible.

Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

And if someone is upset with you? Fix it.

The problem is that when you operate this way long enough, you can become incredibly aware of everyone else’s needs while becoming disconnected from your own.

You notice the slight change in someone’s tone.

You can tell when they’re disappointed.

You immediately wonder, Are they mad at me?

And before you know it, you’re explaining, apologizing, backtracking, or agreeing to something you never wanted to do in the first place.

The boundary disappears.

But the resentment usually doesn’t.

The Tip: Learn to Tolerate the Discomfort

This is the part of boundaries that I think we sometimes skip over.

We talk a lot about how to set a boundary, but not nearly enough about what happens after you set one.

Because for a people pleaser, saying the words may actually be the easy part.

It’s sitting with what comes next that’s hard.

Someone might be disappointed.

They might disagree with you.

They might become quiet.

They might wish you had made a different decision.

And your nervous system may immediately start screaming:

FIX IT.

You may want to send another text.

Add another explanation.

Soften what you said.

Offer an alternative you don't actually want to offer.

This is where the real work happens.

You don't always need to do anything.

Sometimes the next step after setting a boundary is simply allowing another person to have their feelings about it.

Ask Yourself: Did I Do Something Wrong, or Did I Do Something They Didn't Like?

This question can be incredibly helpful for people pleasers.

When guilt shows up after setting a boundary, ask yourself:

Did I actually do something wrong?

Or...

Did I just do something someone else didn't like?

Those are two very different things.

Maybe you declined an invitation.

Maybe you told someone you weren't available.

Maybe you asked for more space.

Maybe you said no to something you've always said yes to.

Maybe you stopped taking responsibility for fixing someone else's emotions.

They may genuinely dislike that boundary.

And they are allowed to.

But their disappointment doesn't automatically create an obligation for you to change it.

Boundaries Aren't About Controlling Someone Else's Reaction

One of the hardest lessons for recovering people pleasers is realizing that there isn't always a magical way to communicate a boundary that guarantees nobody gets upset.

Of course, we want to communicate with kindness and respect.

But sometimes we spend so much time searching for the "perfect" wording because what we're really searching for is a version of the boundary that the other person will happily accept.

That version may not exist.

A boundary isn't:

"How can I say this so you won't be upset with me?"

It's:

"How can I communicate what I need respectfully, while accepting that I don't control how you feel about it?"

That's a very different goal.

You Can Be Kind and Still Disappoint People

This may be one of the most freeing things I've learned in my own recovery from people pleasing.

You can be loving and say no.

You can care about someone and need space.

You can understand why someone is disappointed without changing your decision.

You can be compassionate without taking responsibility for another adult's emotions.

You can feel guilty and still hold the boundary.

Because sometimes guilt isn't telling you that you've done something wrong.

Sometimes guilt is simply telling you:

You're doing something differently.

And if you're used to keeping everyone else comfortable, choosing your own needs is going to feel uncomfortable at first.

That doesn't mean you should stop.

It might mean you're practicing something new.

A Little Challenge for My Fellow People Pleasers

The next time you set a boundary and immediately feel the urge to explain, apologize, or fix someone's reaction, give yourself a little time before doing anything.

Notice the discomfort.

Notice the story your brain starts telling you.

Then ask:

Did I do something wrong—or did I simply do something they didn't like?

You don't have to become someone who doesn't care about other people's feelings.

The goal isn't to care less.

It's learning that you can care about someone's feelings without making them responsible for your decisions.

And from one recovering people pleaser to another:

Sometimes holding the boundary—even while someone is disappointed—is the progress.

Ready to get started? Reach out today to connect with a therapist who can help you practice boundaries without abandoning yourself in the process.

intake@creatingprogress.net

www.creatingprogress.net

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